Saturday, December 1, 2012

I'm getting exactly what I deserve.

Wow.  What a difference a few years make… 

There was a time, maybe 15 years ago, when I was caught up in a world of lies.  I told myself:  I wasn’t good enough.  It wasn’t okay to be me. 

Because I believed these lies, I made bad choices.  At that time, I was married to a pathological liar who was always angry and very controlling.  He filled my world with even more lies.  My life was like a “Movie of the Week” most weeks.  In the middle of my confusion and despair, there were times I can remember thinking, “You are getting exactly what you deserve."

Fast forward to just last week…  My life is so radically different. 

I've quit telling myself lies, and I try my best to live out of the truth that I am special.  I am now remarried to a wonderful, sweet man, and we just very happily renewed our wedding vows and celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary.

 In reflecting on our relationship and our happiness last week, for the first time I put it together:  I am getting exactly what I deserve.  This is what I deserved all along.

Thank you, God, for loving me even when I couldn't love myself and for all the changes you have seen me through in my life to bring me to today.  I am grateful now to know the truth.  I can't thank you enough for my beautiful, loving marriage.  Amen.

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.  -Maria Robinson

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Shhhh. I have a secret.

For over 30 years, I carried a huge secret and believed it wasn't okay to be me. Deep down I believed "I wasn't good enough". 

I praise you because you have made me in an amazing wonderful way. ~ Psalm 139:14

In those years, if I read a verse like Psalm 139:14, I would have desperately wanted to feel that way, but inside I didn't feel amazing or wonderful.  I had trouble loving myself, accepting God's love and the love of others. 
I am convinced I am not the only woman who has struggled with secrets, shame, authenticity or transparency.  Although I spent much of my life worrying about what others think of me, I am ready to be an encouragement to others who may need to release secrets and shame.  I look forward to sharing more with you in the coming months and years.

Wishing you true life, true love and true peace~